How severe is your need?
I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like I’m completely fine one minute and the next I feel like crying my eyes out. I used to neglect my feelings and my needs so much before that I sometimes do it without even knowing it. It leaves me doing my everyday stuff thinking I’m okay, and then suddenly I feel like crawling into a corner and cry. I can’t for the life of me figure out why, because the reason I feel sad is something I probably pushed away and ignored, until my mind forgot the it. But my body is still holding on to the feeling.
I’m trying to get to the bottom of why I’m feeling this way, but opening that door leads me to things hidden away in my mind that I don’t feel like disturbing, at least not when I’m alone. So I tried to schedule another meeting with my psychologist, and she told me that if it’s something that only needs one session I can come in within this week or next. But if it’s a bigger problem, I can keep on going from where I left off a few months back (when I stopped going there). The question is; how severe is my need?
To be honest, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s “normal” to feel or think anymore. Because so many of the things that I though was normal was actually what made me depressed. Do I need to get back into therapy? Or I’m I just dealing with everyday stuff, and overreacting?
Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don’t go there alone.”
Song of the day:
Unwell – Matchbox Twenty
Take a break
I’m spending the Saturday all by myself, taking a breather and relaxing. I’m taking a break from people, stress and all the stuff I know I have to do later. Everyday life can get stressful, we all have so many things we have to do before the deadline, so many things to worry about and sometimes it gets too much and our body can’t handle it anymore.
I know I can get very stressed out and not be able to focus on one thing at a time, but letting in all the voices in my head telling me I have to do this or that and preferably at the same time. This causes me headaches quite often, thankfully not as much as it used to, but it still happens from time to time. So I’ve tried to get better at taking breaks, lowering my shoulders, giving my head time to clear up, my lungs time to breathe and my whole body time to relax. Today nothing, but my wellbeing matters.
I’m also kind of introverted so being around other people for a long time makes me exhausted. That’s why it’s really relaxing to spend some time alone; it gives me time to charge my batteries. So now I’m sitting in my most comfortable (and too huge to wear in public) sweater, listening to calming jazz, surrounded by candle lights and taking a break.
Remember to give yourself a little time off; sometimes it’s exactly what you need to get the strength to keep on living everyday life.
Keep on living and fighting
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“ Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”
Song of the day:
My funny valentine – New York Jazz Lounge
A busy week
A really busy week has come to an end, and I’m getting ready for a well-deserved weekend. This week we made our first studio TV-show at the university, and it came out great! Our class decided to make a show about E-sport (videogames) vs the real sport/version of it. I was one of the cameramen (actually lady, but cameraman sounds better), which is a really cool job. You get to work in the studio with your own camera, but listen to the director who decides which camera is going on air, and you get can feel the adrenalin every time it’s you turn. I love it, and hope I get the chance to work with this professionally one day.
Projects like this takes a lot of time to put together, and this week I spent 47 hours at school in five days (normal week is 24), and it was so much fun. It was all worth it, especially the last two days, when the show was really coming together. I got to help out with the decorations and the lighting of the studio as well, which ended up looking awesome.
I’ve always liked to work on these kinds of projects, where you get to be creative and stay at school all day because you really want to. It is also very good to keep your mind of things you don’t want to think about, and normal day to day issues is forgotten because you’re way too busy focus on them. So working like this; long days, being creative and making something I can be proud of together with a truly amazing team, is therapy for me. It actually makes me happy, and if I work hard enough I can do these things every day.
It seems I may have found my new passion, in a dark, but colorful room behind one of the world’s most powerful weapons; the camera.
Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness.
Quote of the day:
“Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion”
Song of the day:
Game over – Falling in Reverse
(Sorry about the bad picture quality, I only had my phone available to take photos with)
The link between anger and expectations
I’ve had anger management issues for quite a while now, but I think I’ve found some of the reasons to why I get so angry. There are of course many reasons why someone reacts to something with anger, and the same goes for me. I’ve already known for a while that being in pain physically or mentally causes anger, so I’ve worked a lot with that by now, but I’m still trying to find better ways to handle it. How psychical pain can grow into anger and how to handle it is something for another day. Today my focus is more on how expectations can cause anger.
I often have way to high expectations for myself, for example I expect to do something almost perfectly after I’ve just learned it. Not a lot of people can do that, and I know it’s not fair to have such high expectations, but I still do it. And what happens when I can’t reach those expectations? I get angry. I react with anger almost every time, and I say react and not feel because anger is a reaction caused by a feeling. For example what actually happens when I can’t complete a task as well as I thought I would, I feel sad or like a failure and in lack of ways to deal with those feelings or being used to hide them for so long I react with anger. This is not an ideal way to deal with it, I use a lot of time and energy on being mad instead of taking a break, finding out what actually happened and what I’m actually feeling. Then I should take a hold of that feeling, getting to the bottom of why I’m feeling this, which in this case is having too high expectations, and after that asking if it’s fair or helpful of me to expect this of myself. The answer here is often “no”.
If our expectations doesn’t get fulfilled we often react with anger, and this is a very normal thing to do, a lot of people do this. I’m very aware that I do this, I know how to fix it and yet I find myself falling in the same trap over and over again. I guess this is something you have to practice to be able to do. I believe that lowering your expectations may be the best way, and with that I do not mean giving up on something, doing is half-assed or throwing ambitions away. I mean trying to lower your expectations to a level that is realistic, so you actually have a chance at succeeding. I’m working a lot with this now, I can’t get so angry every time I fail at something, and I need to give myself the chance to succeed.
Because if you succeed at something, it will give you a sense of achievement which causes happiness, and then maybe you’ll be reaching goals you never thought you’d reach.
Keep on living and fighting
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Song of the day:
The Cave – Mumford & Sons
Safe place
Finding your safe place, also known as your happy place, was one of the first exercises we did at the “How to handle depression” course I took. I thought it sounded a little wired at the time, because I’ve seen some many movies and television shows joking around with people “going to their happy place”. But I decided to put my prejudice away, and try it out with an open mind, something I have found to be somewhat a key-element to getting out of depression.
The exercise:
This exercise is something you can use to evoke a specific feeling. Most people need time and practice to learn this technique. In the beginning you should try it for a few minutes, but it’s normal to lose your concentration, in that case just start over.
Imagine a situation and/or a place that made you feel safe and happy (if it’s hard to find one, then construct one). Think about how you felt in this situation (place). How did your body feel (for example temperature)? Try to hold on to this feeling. To help you get started you can put on some music or look at some photos you like. Don’t give up if you can’t do it the first times, it’s not easy to consciously evoke a good feeling.
When I did this exercise I couldn’t really find a situation to bring forth the right feeling. But I had an image of a place I wanted to be, and I conjured a situation out of that. My safe place is at a white beach at sunset (we don’t have a lot of white beaches in Norway, so they’ve always reminded me of the freedom and bliss of traveling). I’m sitting down by the shore listening to waves, with my bare feet touching the warm sand. It’s a light warm breeze making it the perfect temperature, and few feet behind me sits all the people I truly love, talking and laughing, reminding me that I’m never alone.
It took me a while to be able to hold on to that feeling, and picturing it all without losing my concentration. But after a little practice, adding some more details, it all became more realistic and I could stay in a place of safety and happiness for a little while. Even if it’s only for a minute, it’s a minute that gives you the strength to keep on going.
Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned”
Song of the day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1n6DEEUn28 (Music I can use when doing the exercise)
Finding new hope
After I was done with the «how to handle depression» course I took, I was able to discuss, not all, but a lot of my issues with my friends, something I had never had the courage to do before. I was healthy and had new hopes and dreams for my life. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced.
But a few months after that, I started to feel something very familiar. I started losing energy, slept less and I felt my hopes and dreams fade slowly. It wasn’t severe or anything, but it was too familiar so I figured out that I had to do something to turn it around. I thought of talking to my friends about it, but I knew they had issues of their own they needed to focus on, and I didn’t want to make them worry that I might get depressed again. So contacting my psychologist was my next step, but before that I thought that maybe I should try to write down what I’m thinking and feeling. I did that and I felt so much better just getting it down on my computer. I can write anything here, things that I normally can’t say because it’s too hard or things I don’t want to talk to my friends about because it’s stuff I don’t want them to know about me.
It was such a great feeling, not having anything holding me back, just writing everything that pops into my head. I can also remind myself of things I learned at the course by writing it down for you guys, or giving myself new hope by trying to give it to you.
So this is the reason I started this blog, and I already feel new dreams starting to grow and I’m finding new hope. This is definitely a step in the right direction for my pursuit of happiness.
Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”
Song of the day:
I will wait – Mumford & Sons
Am I lonely?
Am I lonely? I’m actually not sure. I’ve been single now for over three years, no flings, no dates, no nothing. And I’ve been weirdly okay with it all. Seems I’ve had more than enough to deal with; facing the fact that I was depressed, getting help and working my way through it. During that time I didn’t really have the capacity to take care of anyone else than myself.
I’ve been in two official relationships and one “thing” I can’t really explain what was, other than a complete disaster. Actually all of my relationships have been bad, the two official ones I wanted out of almost from the beginning, because I didn’t have any feelings for those guys, I just started dating them because they liked me. And the last one… well, my feelings were way to strong that time. In short, I was 16, met a boy online, fell head over heels, he couldn’t take the long distance and ended it without telling me, I just saw on Facebook that he was in a relationship with someone else. But I was so much in love with him; I kept in touch. He promised me a lot of things that never happened, keeping me on a leash, even if he was dating someone else. And I was an easy target, because I was so blinded by love. It took me way too long to realize how bad he was for me, but I managed to get out of it in the end.
After getting my heart completely broken by him, time after time, I couldn’t feel anything for anyone anymore. That is probably one of the reasons why I didn’t have any feelings for the two others. A lot of time has passed since then, and I don’t think that if I get in another relationship it will be the same as the others. But I’m not good at picking up if someone likes me or not, and I feel that I’m holding back because I don’t trust people and I’m afraid to get my heart broken again. I know that I have to take a chance and try if I want to be in another relationship. I might get my heart broken, but on the other side I could potentially find someone to spend my life with.
I am torn, because I have been doing surprisingly well on my own, I’m independent and I like my freedom. I like not having to answer to anyone else then me, and making my own decisions. But seeing so many of my friends and classmates moving on with their partners, moving in together, getting married and starting a family, I’m starting to wonder if past mistakes are blinding me. I’m I so afraid of my past rewriting itself, that I can’t see that I’m lonely? Or I’m I just stressed out because I feel like I should do like everyone else and move on, even if it’s not for me?
Am I lonely? I’m actually not sure.
Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.”
Song of the day:
I Alone – Escape the Fate
Breathe
Take a deep breath. Breathe in; hold it for a few seconds, than breathe out. It is so much more effective than you might think; it definitely opened my eyes when I got aware of it. On my first visit to a psychologist I was really nervous, to the point that I wanted to throw up. I told her this it the beginning of the session, and she told me to relax and just breathe for a while. Just take deep breaths in and out. After a little while I could feel my heartbeat sinking, and my body getting less tense.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. When I was I little kid I remember lying awake in my bed with my eyes wide open, and I would never shut them, not until it happened automatically when I fell asleep. I was so terrified of the dark, thinking that someone or something was lurking in the shadows waiting to strike. As I got older I still couldn’t lie in my bed with my eyes shut, still in fear of the dark, but also all the bad things that could happen to me or the people that I loved, as well as other things.
It’s only a few years ago that I was able to shut my eyes, but the nights were always the worst for me. Even if I was able to close my eyes, I was still scared, and it progressed to panic attacks. On that first session with the psychologist she told me that I should focus on my breathing a lot more, and before I go to sleep take 10 deep breaths. I did that, and I actually went to sleep with a smile on my face and slept through the whole night. I’m not saying that everything can be solved with just breathing, I did a lot more work than that to be able to sleep better, but I’m saying it helps. It helps a lot. Not just for the nights, but every time you get stressed out, every time it all just gets too much.
Take a few deep breaths, and let your body relax.
Keep on living and fighting
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”
Song of the day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9xClTReb7I
(The song that I used to fall asleep to, when I couldn’t take the silence)
Social anxiety and alcohol
I have a choice today; the choice to go out and hang out with my friends or chill out alone at home. I really want to stay in my room alone, watching YouTube clips and playing video games, but only because it makes me nervous to be around so many people I don’t know. As mentioned in my last post, I’m not that comfortable with being around strangers. So I usually get really drunk when I go out with my friends.
The problem is that I almost always take it too far. I get so nervous that I start drinking, and don’t stop until I’m completely hammered or out of alcohol. After a few weekends of bad hangovers and self-loathing I decided that I needed to stop this pattern and take a break from alcohol. It’s not a solution for my social anxiety; it’s just a way to “mask it” for a few hours.
That’s why I’m extra nervous about going out tonight, but I know it’s not going to help isolating myself, I need to be able to handle being around strangers without alcohol. The plan for today is; talking a lot to myself to calm me down, have an exit strategy and try my very best to have fun. “Fake it ‘til you make it” might come in good use today.
So here’s to stopping isolation, fighting social anxiety and getting through the night without alcohol. Wish me luck folks!
Keep on living and fighting
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness
Quote of the day:
“Fake it ‘til you make it”
Song of the day:
My own worst enemy – Lit
mpohappiness 