How severe is your need?

I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like I’m completely fine one minute and the next I feel like crying my eyes out. I used to neglect my feelings and my needs so much before that I sometimes do it without even knowing it. It leaves me doing my everyday stuff thinking I’m okay, and then suddenly I feel like crawling into a corner and cry. I can’t for the life of me figure out why, because the reason I feel sad is something I probably pushed away and ignored, until my mind forgot the it. But my body is still holding on to the feeling.

I’m trying to get to the bottom of why I’m feeling this way, but opening that door leads me to things hidden away in my mind that I don’t feel like disturbing, at least not when I’m alone. So I tried to schedule another meeting with my psychologist, and she told me that if it’s something that only needs one session I can come in within this week or next. But if it’s a bigger problem, I can keep on going from where I left off a few months back (when I stopped going there). The question is; how severe is my need?

To be honest, I have no idea. I don’t know what’s “normal” to feel or think anymore. Because so many of the things that I though was normal was actually what made me depressed. Do I need to get back into therapy? Or I’m I just dealing with everyday stuff, and overreacting?

Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness

Quote of the day:
“Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don’t go there alone.”

Song of the day:
Unwell – Matchbox Twenty

Safe place

Finding your safe place, also known as your happy place, was one of the first exercises we did at the “How to handle depression” course I took. I thought it sounded a little wired at the time, because I’ve seen some many movies and television shows joking around with people “going to their happy place”. But I decided to put my prejudice away, and try it out with an open mind, something I have found to be somewhat a key-element to getting out of depression.

The exercise:
This exercise is something you can use to evoke a specific feeling. Most people need time and practice to learn this technique. In the beginning you should try it for a few minutes, but it’s normal to lose your concentration, in that case just start over.
Imagine a situation and/or a place that made you feel safe and happy (if it’s hard to find one, then construct one). Think about how you felt in this situation (place). How did your body feel (for example temperature)? Try to hold on to this feeling. To help you get started you can put on some music or look at some photos you like. Don’t give up if you can’t do it the first times, it’s not easy to consciously evoke a good feeling.

When I did this exercise I couldn’t really find a situation to bring forth the right feeling. But I had an image of a place I wanted to be, and I conjured a situation out of that. My safe place is at a white beach at sunset (we don’t have a lot of white beaches in Norway, so they’ve always reminded me of the freedom and bliss of traveling). I’m sitting down by the shore listening to waves, with my bare feet touching the warm sand. It’s a light warm breeze making it the perfect temperature, and few feet behind me sits all the people I truly love, talking and laughing, reminding me that I’m never alone.

It took me a while to be able to hold on to that feeling, and picturing it all without losing my concentration. But after a little practice, adding some more details, it all became more realistic and I could stay in a place of safety and happiness for a little while. Even if it’s only for a minute, it’s a minute that gives you the strength to keep on going.

Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness

Quote of the day:
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned”

Song of the day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1n6DEEUn28 (Music I can use when doing the exercise)

Finding new hope

After I was done with the «how to handle depression» course I took, I was able to discuss, not all, but a lot of my issues with my friends, something I had never had the courage to do before. I was healthy and had new hopes and dreams for my life. It was one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced.

But a few months after that, I started to feel something very familiar. I started losing energy, slept less and I felt my hopes and dreams fade slowly. It wasn’t severe or anything, but it was too familiar so I figured out that I had to do something to turn it around. I thought of talking to my friends about it, but I knew they had issues of their own they needed to focus on, and I didn’t want to make them worry that I might get depressed again. So contacting my psychologist was my next step, but before that I thought that maybe I should try to write down what I’m thinking and feeling. I did that and I felt so much better just getting it down on my computer. I can write anything here, things that I normally can’t say because it’s too hard or things I don’t want to talk to my friends about because it’s stuff I don’t want them to know about me.

It was such a great feeling, not having anything holding me back, just writing everything that pops into my head. I can also remind myself of things I learned at the course by writing it down for you guys, or giving myself new hope by trying to give it to you.

So this is the reason I started this blog, and I already feel new dreams starting to grow and I’m finding new hope. This is definitely a step in the right direction for my pursuit of happiness.

Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness

Quote of the day:
“Only in the darkness can you see the stars.”

Song of the day:
I will wait – Mumford & Sons

A bad day

So today was a particularly difficult day for me. I tried so hard to be positive and believe in myself, but in the end I couldn’t keep it up any longer. So I lashed out, and then felt really bad about doing so. Especially because I lashed out with one so my best friends present and ignored all the good things she said to try to calm me down. Not one of my proudest moments, and I’m ashamed to say that it’s not the first time that has happened. And it probably won’t be the last.

What happened was I had to go and make some interviews for a short TV-show we’re making at the university. I study film and television so I got really frustrated that I had to do the reporters job. Apparently we have to do this a lot on this course, something I was unaware of when I applied, if I knew that I would’ve chosen another course.

I’ve never been good at talking to people I don’t know. I’m not even that good at keeping up a conversation with people I do know. So I’m not really comfortable with stopping random people on the street, asking them questions. I used hours earlier today talking myself up, saying that “I can do this” and “they’re just human beings, that don’t mean you any harm”. But getting rejected again and again by people not even answering you just totally ignoring you almost running away, doesn’t make you feel great. And when I ran out of questions, and people to talk to, I lost all my energy and my will to keep on doing it.

Thinking back it would have been best for me to listen to the advice my friend gave me and take in the compliments she gave me. If I did that, I could have gotten out of it not feeling like shit. I don’t feel that bad about giving up on the interviews though. I tried my very best finish it, but I’m not going to be a journalist, so if they expected better of me, then that’s their problem, not mine. I did the best I could, and my inability to talk to people I don’t know, isn’t a problem that I can fix in a day. I’m working on it, but for now that was all I could do. Others expectations of me aren’t what I’m living after, I live after my own expectations, and if I can fulfill those, or do my best to so, than that’s good enough.

Keep on living and fighting.
Sincerely yours,
mpoHappiness

Quote of the day:
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

Song of the day:
Brand new day – Ryan Star

The temptation to fall apart

Even after getting out of the most severe scale of depression, there are still some things that are almost a daily struggle for me. I have to work so hard to not let them get me down, use the tools that I’ve learned and not give in to the temptation of falling apart. It may sound weird to call it “temptation”, but it really is, because it seems easier to give up than to fight. But I know what happens if I give up, and I’m not facing that again, so fighting is the only option. And I will fight depression to my last breath; I won’t let it get me again.

It was first when I got to see that I was in the absolute lowest scale of depression, that I asked myself “I’m I cured now? Or could I easily fall back and get depressed again?” I had actually never thought if as a problem; falling back again. It scared the shit out of me. What if it only last for a little while and then I’m back where I stared? Do I just do it over and over again, for the rest of my life?

It freaked me out so much I talked to my brother about it (I didn’t have the chance to see my psychologist). He’s studying psychology and therefore has a lot of knowledge about depression.  He told me that I have a learned a lot about it now and I managed to fight my way through it, so I won’t just suddenly get depressed again. I have the weapons to fight it; I only have to use them.  I know he’s right, I have learned a lot and depression can’t just come sneaking anymore because I know what it feels like. Which means the second and feel it creeping slowly back into my mind, I can stop it.

It theory this work every time, but sometimes I let it get too far, mistaking it for bad days or I struggle with finding the energy to fight. And I do fear that a day may come where the temptation to fall apart is too great and I give in.

But even if that day comes (let’s hope it doesn’t), there is something I will remember; I’m not standing on the battlefield naked and alone. I’m surrounded by soldiers, pushing the enemy away, helping me find my weapons and giving me the strength to keep on fighting.

Quote of the day:
“Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive, ‘cause I won’t give up without a fight

Song of the day:
Saved – The Spill Canvas

Am I depressed?

“Am I suffering from depression?” That was a question that I almost didn’t dare ask myself, because I too afraid the answer may be “yes”. After a quick search on google on symptoms of depression I found that I had almost all of them, yet I didn’t want to believe it. I just told myself that I didn’t have any reason to be depressed, others have it so much worse and I didn’t suffer that much from the symptoms, I’m just exaggerating, I’m fine.. I’m okay. (Symptoms of depression will be at the end of this post).

So I was quite surprised when my psychologist wanted to send me to a course on how to handle depression. I had only been there a few times, and she promised me that as long as I wanted to go, there would be a spot open for me. There were only a few spots open on the course so the fact that I could be promised a spot had to mean that I was really in deep.

After only a couple of times on the course I understood that I was not okay, not even close. But as I understood that was already in the helping hands of my psychologist and the whole group that took the course with me. I was so lucky to have those people close to me; it’s something that I will be forever grateful for.

Before and after the course I took a test to see if I was depressed. It was just a simple multiple choice test, but I still lied on a few of the questions because I didn’t want to seem so “sad”. I didn’t get to see outcome of the test until the end of the course, and I was really surprised over what it told me. I had over the first month of the course understood that I was suffering from depression, but that I was in the highest, most severe part of the scale, shocked me. That was from before the course, at the end of it I was at the very end, the lowest of the low of the scale. I had almost completely defeated my depression.

This is all very much about me, and my story, but I do have a point to all of this. Depression is very common; a lot of people experience it through smaller or bigger parts of their life. If you can say that you have suffered from several of the symptoms, than it doesn’t matter how severe it is or if you think you have a reason to be depressed or not, it’s reason enough to do something about it. And if you do find out that you suffer from depression, than try not to freak out (like I did), you are never as alone as you think you are. The same kind of amazing people that helped me are out there for everyone, you just have to find the courage to ask for help. And when I say “just” I do not use that lightly, I do know how hard it is to actually ask for help, but remember that it’s out there for you.

Quote of the day:
“Because we are only sparks, but together burning bright”

Song of the day:
Together burning bright – The Used

Depression symptoms: (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm)
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
• you feel hopeless and helpless
• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
• you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
• you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior
• you have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediatelyif this is the case)

Everything is connected

This is one of the first things I learned from my psychologist; everything is connected. Our brain is connected to our body in the same way our way of thinking is connected to how we feel. If you tell yourself you’re not good enough, your body feels it, and it actually makes you feel like you aren’t good enough. We need to be more careful about the thing we tell ourselves, because if it is just negative things then it will make us feel depressed.

I can use myself as an example; I always told myself what I did wrong, how I was useless and that I would never be pretty enough. I gave myself the impression that I wasn’t good enough, at anything, and that I never would be. And when I told myself these things every single day, I believed them and it made me feel horrible. The way I talked to myself was what kept my depression going for so long. It was never what actually caused it, but it kept it alive and made it more severe day by day.

My psychologist picked this up on my first visit there and told me how my thoughts affected me more then I realized, and how bad I actually treating myself. It took me awhile, but I managed to change the way I talked to myself. I tried to always tell myself that “I can do this” or “I look hot in this”, even if I didn’t really believe it. Because the more good things I told myself, the better I felt. This may sound obvious, but it is so much more important than I ever thought. You can’t really change what other people tell you, but you can change the things you tell yourself, and make sure that it’s all good things, because you owe it to yourself.

I have an exercise to prove this, which I learned from my awesome drama teacher. Stand up in a “T pose”, so with your arms straight out to the sides and get someone to press your arms down while you try to push them up towards the ceiling. While you do this tell yourself only bad things, and say it out loud. Do this for a little while, and then stop. Do it again, but this time tell yourself only good things, just give yourself a lot of compliments and again say it out loud.
When I did this I was so much stronger the second time, the more good things I told myself, the stronger I got.

Quote of the day:
“I know in my heart if you reach for the starts, all the things that you dream will indeed take you far”

Song of the day:
Keep holding on – Falling in reverse

My pursuit of happiness

I, like so many others have struggled with depression, self doubt and identity issues. I did however find help in writing down my opinions, my questions and my crazy train of thoughts. In addition to this I also took a course in how to handle depression, which helped me to get out of 8 years of depression. Now my question is; will it last?

This is my pursuit of happiness